GI: acceptance

At school I'd been having problems with pain in the upper right side of my chest, at points it was so bad I couldn't walk and I had to kiss running goodbye for three frustrating months. Due to the placement of the pain my GI doctor suggested it was most likely a Gallbladder problem, even though an ultrasound I'd had back in October showed it was normal, so she scheduled a HIDA scan for the day after my return and the results led us to schedule a meeting with a surgeon which happened this past Friday. The surgeon and I talked a bit and her verdict was that while my Gallbladder was functioning at half the normal level all the other symptoms I'd mentioned were inconsistent with typical Gallbladder trouble so she could take it out, but that would be more of a diagnostic test than a solution. I said that since we weren't sure it was actually going to do any good I'd rather hang on to my organs.

Now I'm wondering yet again what could have caused all this, and yet again I come back to "what if I damaged/tweaked/pinched my vagus nerve?" I keep remembering that fateful day in theater class where I was moving in twisty feel-the-space-around-you ways, like you do in theater class, and I suddenly got a searing pain in the middle of my chest that left my eyes welling and me gasping. It was gone in probably less than a minute (of course to me it felt much longer) and I didn't think any more about it, but within a week I started to have reflux problems. That coupled with the test results, or lack of results, I've been getting makes it make more sense every time. Reflux, then poor esophageal motility, then a half functioning Gallbladder- all of those things as far as I can tell are controlled by the vagus nerve and the fact that all of them aren't functioning well, but also don't have anything specific wrong with them seems like strong evidence to me. But at least so far there isn't a conclusive test for vagus nerve functioning and no way to reverse it even if it was conclusively proven to be the cause of my discomfort. But the why really doesn't matter. I have had a perspective change.

This poor body of mine is like a tatty old footstool with the stuffing leaking out, patches that clash, and springs sticking out the top. In other words it needs some serious TLC, and that's exactly what it's going to get. Before I would sew on patches willy nilly, poke the stuffing back in the holes, put duct tape over the springs, and pretend that it was all fine while looking at other footstools online and dreaming that I had them instead. But this is the footstool that was issued to me and I can't trade it in and maybe in time I won't want to. It's got a good frame, and some of the patches don't look so bad, and there's no rule that says I can replace the springs and reupholster the rest. It's time I stop kicking this hated thing that I've shoved in the corner, ashamed that people might see what a mess I've made of it. It's time to pull it out and start working, in the garage at first keeping my treasure safe from the judging eyes of those that don't see it's potential, then gradually sharing it until it sits in the pride of place and it's elegance commented on by all who visit.

Thank for bearing with my rambling and extended furniture metaphor. I know I will look back on this post and think it was so cheesy, but it needed saying (I'll think that line is cheesy too). But maybe future Caroline will have learned the self love by the time she rereads this to give it an accepting smile that present Caroline has not yet learned how to do in her 20 years on this planet.

Cooking: Lemon Poppy Seed Muffins with glaze

The past week has been bitter sweet; I spent most of my time at my old "school", Village Home (I put it in quotations because it is so much better than and different from a traditional school). It was fabulous to see some of my old friends and join them for classes that I either used to be in or wished they had when I was there. The people at Village never fail to amaze, impress, and make me envious. Some of my friends that haven't already gone to college are going next year at the traditional freshman age, but they'll be transferring as juniors. Others are getting jobs and setting out on their own to follow their desires, and still others that will still be at Village are excelling on every competitive team they have (Which includes Model UN, Mock Trial, Lego Robotics, Destination Imagination and more) and being awesome at their other extra curricular activities. Now you can see why I'm envious, compared to them I'm positively a slacker but that's homeschoolers for you. They have the freedom and time to grow into motivated, passionate people. Then they have to spend the rest of their lives fighting to maintain that (that would be where I am right now).

But on to the recipe! I made this right after I got home, but I got too distracted with all the other great stuff I want to make.

 Yay, muffins!

 These guys are scrumptious (although a little dry because I didn't put a full cup of yogurt in).

Lemon Poppy Seed Muffins

Adapted from this about.com recipe

Ingredients:
2 cups gluten free flour
3/4 cup sugar
2 tbsp poppy seeds
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1 egg
1 cup lemon soy yogurt
1/4 cup canola oil
1 tsp lemon extract
1/3 cup lemon juice

• Preheat oven to 400 degrees
• In a medium bowl mix egg, yogurt, oil, lemon extract, and lemon juice. Then mix in the dry ingredients until nicely combined.
• Spoon into lined or greased 12-cup muffin pan.
• Bake for 18 minutes

When completely cooled spoon glaze over the muffins. This will be messy- I put the muffins on a cutting board, but any easy to clean place works.

Glaze
From Martha Stewart

Ingredients:
1 cup powdered sugar
3 tbsps lemon juice

• Put both ingredients in a bowl and whisk until well combined. If it's too think to pour easily add a smidge more lemon juices.

Cooking: Caroline's Brownie GORP

Well it's actually warm here for once which means it's running early or late in the day season. This time I succeeded in running early- before 10 am actually! This is momentous for me since I an not, repeat not, a morning person (although my roommate this past year may disagree, but the only time things are quite at college is before 9 am). I get up early, but don't count as functional until much later.
This run was special for another reason too, it was the first time I'd run with Tazzi since I got home.

Why are you stopping to take pictures? We're here to run!

While I love running with that guy it is much more difficult than running alone because a) he does not get along with other dogs and b) he likes to pull. I'm not talented enough to look after these things and work on my technique so we don't run together as much as I'd like.

On to the recipe. I love brownies, but what I love even more is brownies with lots of extras in them. So I decided to take the extras I love and mix them together to make a I-can-maybe-convince-myself-it's-healthy snack. I mean walnut pieces (healthy) + dried cranberries (mostly healthy) + vegan chocolate chips (humm, not so healthy) evens out as a healthy snack, right?

It also makes a superb topping for rice milk ice cream!

Caroline's Brownie GORP

1 cup dried cranberries (chopped if large)

1 cup walnut pieces

3/4 cup vegan chocolate chips

Put all ingredients in a bag, leave the air in, and shake to mix.

Enjoy by the handful or put on all sorts of goodies. Bonus- you have premixed awesome for your next batch of brownies.

Of course I had some helpers when I was taking the pictures.

Food at nose height? Yeah, we'll help!

Running: Color Me Rad Race Recap

Okay, maybe calling it a race isn't quite right, let's call it a fun run since it was incredibly fun! So Color Me Rad is a 5k run where volunteers cover you with a different color at each kilometer. It's like the Color Run, but actually fits my schedule (I'm in NY for the Portland one, and in Portland for the NY one). Anyway, it was delightful! Weather was perfect (high 60F?) not too hot or cold, many people were in cool costumes, and of course there was color everywhere.

This is the first time I ran with a team and I can definitely recommend it- it's nice to have people to get pumped with.

The team nice and clean before the run

And now nice and colorful

I managed to run much more than I expected. I've been unable to run since march because my Gallbladder has been ornery so I expected to be slogging along the whole way only being able to run a few yards at a time. In reality I ran over half of the way including running most of the steepest hill. Go me! And I was mostly not in pain which was amazing.

Sporting some rad temporary tattoos

I also got to get crafty for this run. They suggest you have a white shirt for the run so you can see all the colors you're covered in. The only white shirt we had in the house (I'm too cheap to go out and buy one) was two sizes too large. Enter scissors to do their magic and as you can see the result is pretty cool. I only recently managed to allow myself to modify any piece of clothing, now I may not be able to stop.

The splatters of victory

Race/organized run number three completed. Next up is the Electric Run in July.

Home for the summer

Well I'm home for the summer and still processing, or not processing, the past year. So much has happened I'm completely overwhelmed every time I try to think about it. All that really comes to mind is this empty panicky feeling of having way to much to do, no time to do it in, and no idea what was coming next. Hopefully at least the last one will disappear next year.

Speaking of next year here are some pictures of where I'll be living next year with 14 other wonderful girls. It definitely beats living in the dorms and better yet I'll be able to cook for myself! Sure, that will take more of the time I don't have, but at least I'll be in control of what I'm eating and by extention my health. I will also have a living room which hopefully will make homework easier next year since I prefer to do my homework on couches rather than desks.

The outside of the house

A terrible picture of the bunny that lives in the house who was admittedly a major selling point

The dining room

The kitchen!!!

The FULL spice cabinet in the kitchen

My room next year

Details of my room next year

The walk in closet with a sense of humor

The view which is what sold me on this room

I was reading an article the other day about happiness and how mostly it stems from control. If you feel like you're in control for the most part you're happier. That let me to thinking about how out of control, or at least my control, my life felt last year. I had school telling me what, where, and when I could eat (that lead to a whole lot of running around and interrupted studying let me tell you! And we won't even talk about the gluten and dairy thing.), school told me what classes to take, and where to live. Then there was my social life- I joined a fraternity my first semester and pledging is all about being told what to do, then this first year I felt like I couldn't say no to anything because I didn't know if I would ever be able to do it again or if it was something I would enjoy even if it didn't sound like it. So, essentially I felt I was being told what to do all the time- not much control there. But there is a bright side to all since things should be getting better from now on, I chose where I'm living next year, I'm choosing what I eat, I won't have to be running around quite so much, I'm not pledging anymore and have seen pledging from the side of an active all the way through now so I don't feel obligated to be there for that as much, and hopefully I'm learning to say no. Maybe if I keep repeating all this to myself I'll actually start to trust myself on this.

Next up, a recap of race #3.