Finding more about who I am brings us to the topic of this post; duality because it sounds better than conflicted. I find more and more that my life is full of concepts, aspects, interests that would seem mutually exclusive and I have to find a way to make them work together. For instance, I'm very interested in the urban side of Landscape Architecture, the modern clean lines, bustling cities, and bright colors. However, I myself just want to go walk in the woods, make my own jam, watch the sun rise, escape all the hallmarks of civilization. How can these coexist? I don't know, but I have to make it happen because I'm off balance otherwise. Other dualities are, being an adult and acting like a 4-year-old when my roommate and I plan out making forts in our room, confidence and doubt that my confidence is actually founded on anything, living on the East coast and being rooted in the West coast, wanting to travel and stay cuddled up under a blanket at home, wanting to grow but not wanting to deal with change. The list is endless.
Career fears bubble up to the top most often now, am I any good at Landscape Architecture? Is this really what I want? Will I be a success? What does it mean to be successful? What will I do if I'm not? I don't have the answers or worse think that I do. It's no secret that uncertainty drives me crazy so the anxiety bubbles and roils like a pot of boiling water, but the lid is still on catching the steam so it can never run dry. So my two options are either take the lid off and let the steam leave or turn off the heat. Of the two I think turning off the heat would be better as I always feel drained and unsatisfied when the pot boils dry. And I'll have to start practicing right away as I fly off tomorrow to an internship that came together at the last minute at a place I've never been, working with someone I've never met, and living with people I know next to nothing about. Now that's a perfect recipe of anxiety if ever I've seen one. But I try to either let go of the things I'm afraid of because being afraid won't change them or for every bad scenario I come up with I try to find a good one to counter act it. We'll see how it goes.
Holy tomatoes! Boy, do I recognize the questions. I wish had a few definitive answers.
ReplyDeleteKeep asking the questions and look for the answers in the enjoyed parts of your experiences. I try to remember that for me the enjoyable experiences aren't always the easiest experiences. Although I won't pretend that I love the anxiety of the tough times that I end up enjoying. (Clear as mud, but not sure how better to phrase it.)
Even the experiences I disliked provide info leading me to a few more answers.