In need of silence

Evidence of my current disorganized state

It has been a crazy few days and promises to continue that way for the next week. While all the things that are making my life incredibly busy are good things; work, getting new projects underway, making new friends and getting together with old treasured ones. I wish I could say I take it all in my stride and am impervious to stress, frustration, and emotional exhaustion. However that would be a lie. Emotional exhaustion is the big one for me right now since I selfishly hoard my energy close and thus being a worse friend.

My schedule for this week

I know I am out of balance when I don't even have time to address my basic needs like cooking and when I can't remember when I last showered. I've been scarfing sandwiches and maybe had a shower on Sunday, but I'd have to double check. I need to find a moment, or several moments, to replenish my soul. Moments of silence. Moments of nesting while the snow blows. Moments of wonder. Moments of delight. Moments to remember who I am and why I do what I do.

The beautiful snowstorm we're having

Now to find moments to indulge in a warm cup of tea and some quiet contemplation. I invite you to join me.

In gratitude...

…for project teammates that join me in my crazy ideas.

…for cozy places.

…for winter sunshine.

 …for rediscovering my love of dance.

…for plans in motion.

…for four legged visitors.

…for heating that works.

…for the smell of baking.

…for housemates that make sugar on snow.

 …for kitchen laughter.

…for the beauty of nature.

…for phone calls from home.

 …for ingenuity.

 …for caffeine.

…for the chance to get outside.

…for unexpected encounters.

…for winter safety measures.

…for my beautiful sunshine yellow co-op.

…for learning new things about an old topic.

 …for the promise of warmer weather.

…for the amazing women I live with.

…for mosey-iers (people who are interested in joining our co-op next year) that show up even during a snow storm.

…for frozen lakes.

…for the constant chance to begin again.

In gratitude

… for moments of quiet.

… for my goofy girl whom I miss already.

… for the opportunity to get a world class education.

… for still occasionally having my Mom read aloud to my brother and I.

… for really funny physics books.

… for cafes where I'm on a first name basis with half the staff.

… for the opportunity to visit home.

… for the option to advance my own goals.

… for fuzzy housemates.

… for friends who struggle with the same challenges I do.

… for nourishing food.

… for the moments of overwhelming joy when I realize how much freedom I have in my life.

… for good weather.

… for advisors that will help me figure out the conflicts in my schedule.

… for the rhythms of life.

… for how much better life goes when we acknowledge those life rhythms.

…  for Saturday morning antics.

… for fuzzy beasties.

Satisfying Endings

Haha, it seems this blog gets design makeovers more often than new posts, doesn't it? Making images works is easier for me than writing. Besides the graphic change you'll notice the title and tag line has changed. I felt the "Tazzi, Me, and (former) Guide Puppy makes Three" just doesn't fit my life anymore. I haven't been involved with guide dogs for almost three years now and really my life isn't all about my dogs anymore. The old tag line doesn't work either because among other things the Reflux Disease isn't bothering me anymore. So I say a fond and loving farewell to that tiny snapshot of my life. Don't worry though, all the posts are still there.

What else has been going on besides the blog title change? Well I just got back from four months spent in Europe. I spent 2.5 months in Croatia studying abroad, went to Venice twice, visited Sarajevo, Bosnia and Herzegovina, then Rome, Paris, London, Barcelona, and Frankfurt. In total I was gone for just shy of 4 months. There are many stories, but it's too much to write in one big chunk, but I'm sure they will come out one at a time as life reminds me of them.

The other ending that can't come fast enough for me is the end of school. This is my very last semester of university for a while, thank goodness! It's been fun, but I am so ready to move on to something else. Don't remind me of any of this six months after I graduate though since I'm sure I'll be mourning the student life.

Update and Kale and Kielbasa Soup

I'm back!!!!

It has been an incredibly hard semester what with a falling out with a former roommate and best friend, the even more endless winter than usual, my anxiety disorder getting out of control, and dealing with some stuff from my past which I hope to feel strong enough to share with you at some point. That said I just got my grades back and I passed all my classes (yes I was actually worried about that, told you it was a hard semester), and better than that I got  a 3.78 (out of 4.0) GPA. Guess all that Xanax worked after all.

Now I'm home, and it is a well known (and often joked about) fact that I clean like I demon when I first get home. I'm not exactly sure why I do it, but my guess is it's due to post finals stress. My target this time was the kitchen. To my Mom's relief I don't have any before pictures, but here are the after ones for you.

What have I been doing with this beautifully clean kitchen? Cooking of course! I didn't have much time  or motivation to cook when I was at school, but I'm working on picking it back up now. One of the few things I cooked this past semester is Kale and Kielbasa soup. This is one of the recipes that I call a refrigerator recipe, which means it's purpose is to use up as many things sitting around in my refrigerator before they go bad. As such the recipe keeps changing and I never actually measure anything, but I'll give you my best guess. For instance this time I made it I didn't actually use Kielbasa, but rather Bratwurst since it was on sale at the grocery store. You can add or subtract anything from this recipe that you want to fit what you have lying around.

And of course this wouldn't be my blog without a picture of a dog so here's one of my ever present helper.

How much of me needs to be on the linoleum before I count as in the kitchen? 

Kale and Kielbasa Soup

about a Tbs of olive oil
A small yellow onion, minced
2 cloves of garlic, also minced
4-6 medium potatoes
Some carrots. Okay, okay, around 3 or 4 large carrots.
32 oz chicken (or other) stock plus as much water as needed for desired consistency. (Watering down stock is one of the greatest cooking tricks I know, make stock stretch farther but tastes pretty much the same.)
2 tsp basal
2 tsp fresh or dried rosemary
1 tsp parsley
1 bunch of Kale (roughly 6 or 7 lightly compacted cups. This is one of the few ways I get vegetables into my diet at school so I like to cram in as much as possible.)
3/4 cup uncooked wild rice
1 link of Kielbasa (or 2 links of Bratwurst*, because hey it's not like Kielbasa in the title or anything)

Directions:
Mince the garlic and onion then cook in the olive oil over medium until translucent (or you get bored). While onions are cooking dice potatoes and carrots, then add them to the onion and garlic. Add the stock at this time and bring to a simmer. Pull the Kale leaves off the stalks, then tear into bit size pieces before dropping them into the pot. Add the herbs now too. Either add the rice now if there is enough stock or you can cook it separately and add it at the end. Cook for about 20 minutes or until potatoes and carrots are soft. Slice Kielbasa and add to the pot. Serve when Kielbasa is throughly heated.

*if using uncooked sausage, put the whole sausage in the pot at the beginning with the onions and keep it there through the whole cooking process then slice at the end.

Gowanus Adventures

Hi all, I know I've been MIA for a bit (school does that to you), but I just wrote a sample blog post for an application to be an official blogger for Cornell Abroad and I figured you might enjoy it too. The prompt was to write about a recent interesting experience.

Here you go:

I've just returned from a wonderfully refreshing trip which included sunny days and cooling breezes on the shores of a delightful waterway. Was it the Tuscan Riviera you ask, clapping your hands with glee. Well no, it was slightly closer to home. It was, in fact, the Gowanus Canal in Brooklyn, a EPA superfund site considered by many to be among the most polluted canals in the world. So, maybe I omitted the part about the cooling breezes carrying metal dust from the industrial recycling facility across the way and the delightful oder of raw sewage, and maybe the shores were more like concrete bulkheads crumbling into the canal, but the sunny part is true. And the canal does contain some fascinating wildlife including bacteria that's mutating too quickly for scientist to study since by the time they get the research funding to examine any particular type of bacterial it has already morphed into something else and, at least according to a poster I found, a lost squid that answers to the name Mr. Grabby, although I suspect that's a joke. Not certain though, weirder things have happened.

Why was I at this most desirable leisure spot do you ask? Data my friends. Data. More specifically collecting first hand data of what forest resources exist along the canal. My studio class project this semester is to create an urban forest along the Gowanus Canal and one of the best ways to go about it is to find out what is already there. 

I wasn't lying when I said the trip was refreshing. It was nice to get outside and work with my hands in the sunshine, between laying out grids and inventorying trees and soils I would glance into the canal and see the beautiful technicolor patterns of oil slicks waving as they undulated by. And… was that a tentacle?

Until next time my friends!

Duality

Happy 2014 everyone! My goals for this year are the same as they were last year, and the year before, and the year before... keep finding out who I am, keep moving forward, be healthier than the year before, be happy, find better ways of managing anxiety, and of course pet all the puppies.

Finding more about who I am brings us to the topic of this post; duality because it sounds better than conflicted. I find more and more that my life is full of concepts, aspects, interests that would seem mutually exclusive and I have to find a way to make them work together. For instance, I'm very interested in the urban side of Landscape Architecture, the modern clean lines, bustling cities, and bright colors. However, I myself just want to go walk in the woods, make my own jam, watch the sun rise, escape all the hallmarks of civilization. How can these coexist? I don't know, but I have to make it happen because I'm off balance otherwise. Other dualities are, being an adult and acting like a 4-year-old when my roommate and I plan out making forts in our room, confidence and doubt that my confidence is actually founded on anything, living on the East coast and being rooted in the West coast, wanting to travel and stay cuddled up under a blanket at home, wanting to grow but not wanting to deal with change. The list is endless.

Career fears bubble up to the top most often now, am I any good at Landscape Architecture? Is this really what I want? Will I be a success? What does it mean to be successful? What will I do if I'm not? I don't have the answers or worse think that I do. It's no secret that uncertainty drives me crazy so the anxiety bubbles and roils like a pot of boiling water, but the lid is still on catching the steam so it can never run dry. So my two options are either take the lid off and let the steam leave or turn off the heat. Of the two I think turning off the heat would be better as I always feel drained and unsatisfied when the pot boils dry.  And I'll have to start practicing right away as I fly off tomorrow to an internship that came together at the last minute at a place I've never been, working with someone I've never met, and living with people I know next to nothing about. Now that's a perfect recipe of anxiety if ever I've seen one. But I try to either let go of the things I'm afraid of because being afraid won't change them or for every bad scenario I come up with I try to find a good one to counter act it. We'll see how it goes.

Update

Hi I've just dropped back in to say hello and give you an update on my life. Like usual a lot of things have happened and I'll just put them down as they pop in my head.

First I am back at school and all moved in to my new house (which is actually called a co-op, but as it is actually a very old house I shall call it that). I absolutely adore it and all the wonderful people I live with. They are so awesome they deserve their own post...eventually.

Before classes started I traveled to NYC and Philadelphia, PA with four other students from my school and fifteen to twenty chinese exchange students. The trip was fantastic and the people incredible. Alas though that is again a subject to be expanded on another day.

Anjou showing off his sleepy ninja skills

I ended up getting a rat, who I named Anjou after the pear cultivar, about three weeks ago and while he isn't a dog he is still very entertaining. He like food, belly rubs, and sleeping in his litter box. He too deserves is own post...again eventually.

I've just started looking into doing a double major with urban planning, but as I haven't even talked to the school about how that works there's really not much more to say about it at the moment.

I was taking Arabic in the first half of the semester, but the instructors teaching style didn't match my learning style so I decided that it would be better to drop it and take it with a different instructor at another time so I can actually learn it as well as I want to. Doing that has freed up 50 minutes of my day, everyday, so I'm planning on using that to go to yoga with a couple friends instead. Now I'm down to only 12 credits (the minimum at which you can still count as a full time student) so I think I'll be using my spare time and energy to make a start on my thesis. I'll let you know when I actually figure out what my thesis is.

I visited the gorgeous city of Toronto, Canada last weekend. More on that later too.

My health continues to decline unfortunately. I'd been holding out on going to a chiropractor, or acupuncturist, or nutritionist for some foolish and unknown reason, but almost fainting at work today was the last straw. On Monday I'm contacting ALL of them. God save my bank account.


And per usual I'm avoiding doing homework :)

Cooking: Lemon Poppy Seed Muffins with glaze

The past week has been bitter sweet; I spent most of my time at my old "school", Village Home (I put it in quotations because it is so much better than and different from a traditional school). It was fabulous to see some of my old friends and join them for classes that I either used to be in or wished they had when I was there. The people at Village never fail to amaze, impress, and make me envious. Some of my friends that haven't already gone to college are going next year at the traditional freshman age, but they'll be transferring as juniors. Others are getting jobs and setting out on their own to follow their desires, and still others that will still be at Village are excelling on every competitive team they have (Which includes Model UN, Mock Trial, Lego Robotics, Destination Imagination and more) and being awesome at their other extra curricular activities. Now you can see why I'm envious, compared to them I'm positively a slacker but that's homeschoolers for you. They have the freedom and time to grow into motivated, passionate people. Then they have to spend the rest of their lives fighting to maintain that (that would be where I am right now).

But on to the recipe! I made this right after I got home, but I got too distracted with all the other great stuff I want to make.

 Yay, muffins!

 These guys are scrumptious (although a little dry because I didn't put a full cup of yogurt in).

Lemon Poppy Seed Muffins

Adapted from this about.com recipe

Ingredients:
2 cups gluten free flour
3/4 cup sugar
2 tbsp poppy seeds
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1 egg
1 cup lemon soy yogurt
1/4 cup canola oil
1 tsp lemon extract
1/3 cup lemon juice

• Preheat oven to 400 degrees
• In a medium bowl mix egg, yogurt, oil, lemon extract, and lemon juice. Then mix in the dry ingredients until nicely combined.
• Spoon into lined or greased 12-cup muffin pan.
• Bake for 18 minutes

When completely cooled spoon glaze over the muffins. This will be messy- I put the muffins on a cutting board, but any easy to clean place works.

Glaze
From Martha Stewart

Ingredients:
1 cup powdered sugar
3 tbsps lemon juice

• Put both ingredients in a bowl and whisk until well combined. If it's too think to pour easily add a smidge more lemon juices.

Home for the summer

Well I'm home for the summer and still processing, or not processing, the past year. So much has happened I'm completely overwhelmed every time I try to think about it. All that really comes to mind is this empty panicky feeling of having way to much to do, no time to do it in, and no idea what was coming next. Hopefully at least the last one will disappear next year.

Speaking of next year here are some pictures of where I'll be living next year with 14 other wonderful girls. It definitely beats living in the dorms and better yet I'll be able to cook for myself! Sure, that will take more of the time I don't have, but at least I'll be in control of what I'm eating and by extention my health. I will also have a living room which hopefully will make homework easier next year since I prefer to do my homework on couches rather than desks.

The outside of the house

A terrible picture of the bunny that lives in the house who was admittedly a major selling point

The dining room

The kitchen!!!

The FULL spice cabinet in the kitchen

My room next year

Details of my room next year

The walk in closet with a sense of humor

The view which is what sold me on this room

I was reading an article the other day about happiness and how mostly it stems from control. If you feel like you're in control for the most part you're happier. That let me to thinking about how out of control, or at least my control, my life felt last year. I had school telling me what, where, and when I could eat (that lead to a whole lot of running around and interrupted studying let me tell you! And we won't even talk about the gluten and dairy thing.), school told me what classes to take, and where to live. Then there was my social life- I joined a fraternity my first semester and pledging is all about being told what to do, then this first year I felt like I couldn't say no to anything because I didn't know if I would ever be able to do it again or if it was something I would enjoy even if it didn't sound like it. So, essentially I felt I was being told what to do all the time- not much control there. But there is a bright side to all since things should be getting better from now on, I chose where I'm living next year, I'm choosing what I eat, I won't have to be running around quite so much, I'm not pledging anymore and have seen pledging from the side of an active all the way through now so I don't feel obligated to be there for that as much, and hopefully I'm learning to say no. Maybe if I keep repeating all this to myself I'll actually start to trust myself on this.

Next up, a recap of race #3.

College News and University Musings

Well I've heard back from four out of the colleges I've applied to and I've been accepted by them all, although that's a bit mysterious when it comes to Oregon State University (OSU) as they sent me what I was awarded in financial aid but not an actual acceptance letter. While I wasn't too worried about getting in to Portland State University (PSU) and the University of Oregon (U of O), I was still delighted when I was accepted as they are both very good schools and I have friends at both. What I didn't expect, didn't dare to daydream about, was getting in to my "if only" school. You know, you apply to your back up schools, your probable schools, and your if only schools. When I got the email I couldn't comprehend it for a second, I just stared at the computer screen willing it not to be a trick of my reading. After reading the first sentence several times I said "what? What?! WHAT?!" This can't be real! By that time I had piqued moms interest and she inquired after what had prompted the hair raising screech (okay it wasn't quite that dramatic). I replied in a truly quavering voice, and please note that I don't think my voice has ever quavered before, "I got in to Cornell". Yes, that's right folks Cornell University! Or if you want to be really technical Cornell Universities'  College of Agriculture and Life Sciences' Landscape Architecture Program, but that's a bit of a mouthful.

I haven't decided where I'm going yet, I still need to figure out the paying for college thing, and I need to visit Cornell's campus. Yes I did apply on a whim and haven't even visited there yet. So I'm going to be very busy with that for the next few month.

Whatever happens I'm going to be leaving next fall for sure. That thought is both exciting and terrifying. I have no doubt I could deal with any problems that could possibly come up in my life on my own, but I don't want to it sounds way too stressful. I'm also concerned about having a roommate. It's not just the sharing my space with another person thing, I'm definitely a introvert and get very grumpy and get into a bad state if I don't have time alone. Luckily our yearly pilgrimage to the Oregon Shakespeare Festival and traveling with a group of at least 50 to Mexico twice has helped me find ways of getting some solitude while living with several people in a small space, but it's a skill that's still developing.

It's funny to think that I have no idea where I'll be living this time next year. I wonder what my grades will be, what the friend I have not yet made are doing now, how I will have changed as a person and how I'll have stayed the same. What will my major worries be this time next year as opposed to this years concerns about how to pay for school, deciding on a school, how to get to Cornell within the next month, making Valkyrie into a successful guide dog, and getting ready for my half marathon, and keeping my grades up. The good news is that next year I can look back at this blog post and find out how much my life has changed or how much it hasn't, probably both.

Well friends, school marches on. And it's been having me march at double quick time because besides taking over a full load of classes I've also been filling out transfer applications to four-year colleges. Thankfully I only have one left which I can do over spring break.

Valkyrie has been everything from a right little terror to an angel and back again. She had a teenage episode about a month ago where was getting in to everything, careening around the house, and generally making a nuisance of herself. However she has made some wonderful advances too. She was going to school with me two days a week up until two weeks ago when she had an accident walking home. That one was a complete mystery to me as she had done that same walk dozens of times and been just fine. I decided after that to leave her home unless I could concentrate on her fully so she's been staying home for the last couple of weeks. I'm planning on trying to take her again tomorrow so we'll see how that goes. She has made two significant advances in the past week. One, she's going into a Down without having to be hand placed. I don't know why my puppies have the hardest time learning Down, but they do. The other is she's been relieving consistently for me on the street in front of the house. This is a major improvement because she doesn't like relieving in new places. The last time she was on a puppysit she didn't go for something like 24 or more hours. I'm hoping that she'll start doing her business in the parking lot right by the bus stop so I don't have to worry about any more accidents while walking home. We have also been working on doing outings on a flat collar instead of the head collar and walking close to my side (she has a tendency to drift away). Those are still works in progress that I'll keep you updated about.

Kelsa's Delta Society pet partner evaluation is in about 3 weeks on March 17th. We still need to do a little work on having noisy things dropped behind her, the confining hug, and not reaching out to greet every person that walks by, but on the whole I think she's ready. 

Also poor little Kelsa was poor littler Kelsa for a little bit. Kelsa has been underweight for the past few weeks and I couldn't think how it was happening, then I realized that the amount I was feeding her wasn't adjusted to her more active lifestyle as a career change living in a house with two other dogs. Poor thing was down to about 39 pounds. Now that I've upped her food she's looking much better again. I can't see her hip bones nearly as clearly as I could before. I'm sorry Kelsa. She's been letting her lab-ness shine through too; I've found clouds of yellow fur around the house and she has already made a significant dent in a Galileo Nylabone that I got three hours ago. 

Good news on Kelsa's siblings too, her sister Kashi who is in my club is being recalled next weekend and I'm doing a photo shoot and Kelsa's doing a play date before she goes, and their sister Kira is in phase 1 of training. I wonder if her other brother, Kirby, whom I've never met will make it to training. I hope he does.

Now some pictures galore!

Valkyrie relaxing in the sun.

I seem to have a lot of sleeping puppy pictures.

My mom did this to her when I wasn't home. She looks rather fetching doesn't she?

Kelsa look oh so comfy and me looking very tiered after a Delta Society training day.

Valkyrie is frequently covered in mud as you can see over her right eyebrow.