Searching for guidance and ending up with contradictions

I'll be perfectly honest, it's a tough time right now. I'm heading into finals (my final finals, eep!), I'm hitting the first year anniversaries of accepting some things that left me feeling extremely vulnerable, and my usual emotional highs and lows are being amplified by a combination of sugar, hormones, and feeling vulnerable all over again. All in all, ugh.

What does one do when one feels lost, vulnerable, and stressed? Look for guidance, or at least that's what I do. And it turns out I don't think I was looking in the right place. In the past six months or so spiritual faith has done a lot to allow me to liberate myself from some very challenging realities and so this time when I felt I was struggling I went looking for the stories of other spiritual women who seem to have it figured out. Well, the blogs I found that were run by women fitting that description are leading lives that I do not currently share and have value I don't think I'll ever chose to share. But I spent a few days stressing over trying to mimic them and wondering why I felt more confused and depressed than ever. Then I finally realized the discrepancy, a fish trying to live like a bird just isn't going to work. Some things might end up overlapping like the whole drinking water and eating worms thing, but that's as far as it goes.

Don't worry I can hear you thinking at me telling me to stop being critic and just be gutsy enough to say things that I believe and not worry about trying seem like a perfect saint to everyone. (If you really are under that misconception may I refer you back to paragraph one.) So who are the birds to my fish, or vice versa? Women who were more fundamentalist christian that I care to be. *I will insert a disclaimer here saying that I have absolutely no problem with anyones beliefs or lifestyles so long as they are not hurting themselves or others.* Now that that disclaimer is out of the way I will go on to say that many of the blogs I read came from women who were stay at home Moms with multiple children in stable and happy marriages. I have no problem with any of those things, but as a 20-something, happily single, pre-professional who is looking at living abroad for a few months in the near future there is kind of a disconnect in our worlds. If I try to imitate the actions that seem to make them happy then I am really not living my own life.

I'll go down the list, because I'm really curious to examine the differences for myself, but again this is just for myself and my current reality, not a judgement on others.

Homemaking- I love cleanliness, keeping potentially harmful products out of my life, and the ingenuity that goes into homemaking. However, I currently don't have what I consider to be a long enough lasting home that it's worth putting any making effort into. I have the place I live at school which I adore, but also share with 13 other girls and will be moving out of in a month. I have the house I grew up in that houses my Mom and brother much more often than it does me. And I'm likely to bounce through a series of apartments in the next few years as a find a place and job that suit me. None of those are really conducive to long term home commitments.

Modesty/femininity- This is a complicated one for me. Part of me believes that if you are proud of your body then by all means show it off however you like! But I have had a tendency in the past to dress conservatively for the wrong reason, namely to ward of sexual harassment or potential violence. That sounds like a very sensible idea so why to I say it's the wrong reason? Because for myself at least dressing that way gives both a false sense of security (common sense, vigilance, and listing to your gut work a whole lot better) and make me feel more frightened and vulnerable because I'm only doing it because of a lack of confidence in my ability to do any of the above and in others to be decent human beings. At the root of it that lack of confidence in self and others is what ends up hurting my psyche the most. *Again, disclaimer- Do take all steps you feel necessary to protect yourself from all forms of harm and take all internal alarm bells seriously and take appropriate action.* I don't know if I've expressed my thinking on the matter well here so I'll sum it up by saying my philosophy is that clothes should make you feel good, feel confident, and allow you to do whatever you would like to do. How much fabric is necessary to accomplish those goals in entirely up to each individual.

I'm sure there were more and if I remember them I'll come back and revisit them in another post, but at the moment I have two papers waiting to be written.

In need of silence

Evidence of my current disorganized state

It has been a crazy few days and promises to continue that way for the next week. While all the things that are making my life incredibly busy are good things; work, getting new projects underway, making new friends and getting together with old treasured ones. I wish I could say I take it all in my stride and am impervious to stress, frustration, and emotional exhaustion. However that would be a lie. Emotional exhaustion is the big one for me right now since I selfishly hoard my energy close and thus being a worse friend.

My schedule for this week

I know I am out of balance when I don't even have time to address my basic needs like cooking and when I can't remember when I last showered. I've been scarfing sandwiches and maybe had a shower on Sunday, but I'd have to double check. I need to find a moment, or several moments, to replenish my soul. Moments of silence. Moments of nesting while the snow blows. Moments of wonder. Moments of delight. Moments to remember who I am and why I do what I do.

The beautiful snowstorm we're having

Now to find moments to indulge in a warm cup of tea and some quiet contemplation. I invite you to join me.

Satisfying Endings

Haha, it seems this blog gets design makeovers more often than new posts, doesn't it? Making images works is easier for me than writing. Besides the graphic change you'll notice the title and tag line has changed. I felt the "Tazzi, Me, and (former) Guide Puppy makes Three" just doesn't fit my life anymore. I haven't been involved with guide dogs for almost three years now and really my life isn't all about my dogs anymore. The old tag line doesn't work either because among other things the Reflux Disease isn't bothering me anymore. So I say a fond and loving farewell to that tiny snapshot of my life. Don't worry though, all the posts are still there.

What else has been going on besides the blog title change? Well I just got back from four months spent in Europe. I spent 2.5 months in Croatia studying abroad, went to Venice twice, visited Sarajevo, Bosnia and Herzegovina, then Rome, Paris, London, Barcelona, and Frankfurt. In total I was gone for just shy of 4 months. There are many stories, but it's too much to write in one big chunk, but I'm sure they will come out one at a time as life reminds me of them.

The other ending that can't come fast enough for me is the end of school. This is my very last semester of university for a while, thank goodness! It's been fun, but I am so ready to move on to something else. Don't remind me of any of this six months after I graduate though since I'm sure I'll be mourning the student life.

Mothers and Daughters. Sticks and String.

Mom's picture. All I can take credit for is cutting up all those sticks in the background.

My Mom and I had been really bad at getting along this summer. I guess I should have expected this since it's really the first time I've been home and felt like an adult and am used to acting like one. Mom on the other hand was still used to having children, not adult children. There was yelling. There was arguing. There were tears. There was much complaining behind backs (ok I complained, sorry Mom). However about two weeks ago I was house sitting and found myself missing her, then I'd see her and we would yell. We repeated this a couple of time until we had an almighty full blown yelling and crying match in which we established at neither of us actually like being yelled at, and that we had really different prospectives on some things we hadn't even thought to talk about. After that things have gotten better.

We have this great game were she wants to use me as a knitting model and I try to mess it up

Where do the sticks and string come in? As every single person who has ever met her knows, my Mom loves to knit. It is her relaxation and I think one of the ways she likes to show us love. After listening to Stephanie Pearl-McPhee's book Cast Off on a whim I started trying to look at knitting in a different way. She talks about knitting as a journey, and one of her characters uses it to find her community so I thought why can knitting be a language as well? So I am trying, for the sake of our relationship, to speak my Mom's language. I still can't say I love knitting, and I doubt I will ever be a capital K knitter, but I do feel like something is different this time than every single other time I've picked up the needles. This time it isn't actually about knitting, neither the process or the product, but about rebuilding my relationship with my Mom as mother and adult daughter rather than mother and girl child. It's a way to reach past our intellectual head banging and realize that we do actually still have a really good emotional connection, but (due to how much I have changed while being away at school and how overworked she is) we just don't know how to tap into it anymore. I don't know if I'll stick with it while I'm in Europe or when I'm back at school, but it's still a nice way to talk with my Mom at home…with no yelling allowed.

Usually my attempts to mess it up ends up with a better picture than se was thinking of. Maybe it's time to reevaluate my strategy.

Just as a matter of interest I am a process knitter disguised as a product knitter. The enjoyment I get out of knitting comes from the act of knitting, but I don't see a point to actually starting the act if the item it produces isn't useful. Because of that I can also do what I did quite recently and knit half of a lace scarf, then rip it all out because it didn't look quite right. I get to enjoy knitting half again as much scarf as I would otherwise have and at the end I'll have a scarf I'm happy to wear.

Also, I came up with a great idea. While I'm abroad I want to buy a skein of yarn (all worsted weight probably) and knit up blocks to patch together into a blanket. Then I can be wrapped in the my travels for the rest of my life. I hope to find country specific patterns too for all the blocks, but I'm not sure if that will be possible.

Update and Kale and Kielbasa Soup

I'm back!!!!

It has been an incredibly hard semester what with a falling out with a former roommate and best friend, the even more endless winter than usual, my anxiety disorder getting out of control, and dealing with some stuff from my past which I hope to feel strong enough to share with you at some point. That said I just got my grades back and I passed all my classes (yes I was actually worried about that, told you it was a hard semester), and better than that I got  a 3.78 (out of 4.0) GPA. Guess all that Xanax worked after all.

Now I'm home, and it is a well known (and often joked about) fact that I clean like I demon when I first get home. I'm not exactly sure why I do it, but my guess is it's due to post finals stress. My target this time was the kitchen. To my Mom's relief I don't have any before pictures, but here are the after ones for you.

What have I been doing with this beautifully clean kitchen? Cooking of course! I didn't have much time  or motivation to cook when I was at school, but I'm working on picking it back up now. One of the few things I cooked this past semester is Kale and Kielbasa soup. This is one of the recipes that I call a refrigerator recipe, which means it's purpose is to use up as many things sitting around in my refrigerator before they go bad. As such the recipe keeps changing and I never actually measure anything, but I'll give you my best guess. For instance this time I made it I didn't actually use Kielbasa, but rather Bratwurst since it was on sale at the grocery store. You can add or subtract anything from this recipe that you want to fit what you have lying around.

And of course this wouldn't be my blog without a picture of a dog so here's one of my ever present helper.

How much of me needs to be on the linoleum before I count as in the kitchen? 

Kale and Kielbasa Soup

about a Tbs of olive oil
A small yellow onion, minced
2 cloves of garlic, also minced
4-6 medium potatoes
Some carrots. Okay, okay, around 3 or 4 large carrots.
32 oz chicken (or other) stock plus as much water as needed for desired consistency. (Watering down stock is one of the greatest cooking tricks I know, make stock stretch farther but tastes pretty much the same.)
2 tsp basal
2 tsp fresh or dried rosemary
1 tsp parsley
1 bunch of Kale (roughly 6 or 7 lightly compacted cups. This is one of the few ways I get vegetables into my diet at school so I like to cram in as much as possible.)
3/4 cup uncooked wild rice
1 link of Kielbasa (or 2 links of Bratwurst*, because hey it's not like Kielbasa in the title or anything)

Directions:
Mince the garlic and onion then cook in the olive oil over medium until translucent (or you get bored). While onions are cooking dice potatoes and carrots, then add them to the onion and garlic. Add the stock at this time and bring to a simmer. Pull the Kale leaves off the stalks, then tear into bit size pieces before dropping them into the pot. Add the herbs now too. Either add the rice now if there is enough stock or you can cook it separately and add it at the end. Cook for about 20 minutes or until potatoes and carrots are soft. Slice Kielbasa and add to the pot. Serve when Kielbasa is throughly heated.

*if using uncooked sausage, put the whole sausage in the pot at the beginning with the onions and keep it there through the whole cooking process then slice at the end.

Duality

Happy 2014 everyone! My goals for this year are the same as they were last year, and the year before, and the year before... keep finding out who I am, keep moving forward, be healthier than the year before, be happy, find better ways of managing anxiety, and of course pet all the puppies.

Finding more about who I am brings us to the topic of this post; duality because it sounds better than conflicted. I find more and more that my life is full of concepts, aspects, interests that would seem mutually exclusive and I have to find a way to make them work together. For instance, I'm very interested in the urban side of Landscape Architecture, the modern clean lines, bustling cities, and bright colors. However, I myself just want to go walk in the woods, make my own jam, watch the sun rise, escape all the hallmarks of civilization. How can these coexist? I don't know, but I have to make it happen because I'm off balance otherwise. Other dualities are, being an adult and acting like a 4-year-old when my roommate and I plan out making forts in our room, confidence and doubt that my confidence is actually founded on anything, living on the East coast and being rooted in the West coast, wanting to travel and stay cuddled up under a blanket at home, wanting to grow but not wanting to deal with change. The list is endless.

Career fears bubble up to the top most often now, am I any good at Landscape Architecture? Is this really what I want? Will I be a success? What does it mean to be successful? What will I do if I'm not? I don't have the answers or worse think that I do. It's no secret that uncertainty drives me crazy so the anxiety bubbles and roils like a pot of boiling water, but the lid is still on catching the steam so it can never run dry. So my two options are either take the lid off and let the steam leave or turn off the heat. Of the two I think turning off the heat would be better as I always feel drained and unsatisfied when the pot boils dry.  And I'll have to start practicing right away as I fly off tomorrow to an internship that came together at the last minute at a place I've never been, working with someone I've never met, and living with people I know next to nothing about. Now that's a perfect recipe of anxiety if ever I've seen one. But I try to either let go of the things I'm afraid of because being afraid won't change them or for every bad scenario I come up with I try to find a good one to counter act it. We'll see how it goes.

GI: acceptance

At school I'd been having problems with pain in the upper right side of my chest, at points it was so bad I couldn't walk and I had to kiss running goodbye for three frustrating months. Due to the placement of the pain my GI doctor suggested it was most likely a Gallbladder problem, even though an ultrasound I'd had back in October showed it was normal, so she scheduled a HIDA scan for the day after my return and the results led us to schedule a meeting with a surgeon which happened this past Friday. The surgeon and I talked a bit and her verdict was that while my Gallbladder was functioning at half the normal level all the other symptoms I'd mentioned were inconsistent with typical Gallbladder trouble so she could take it out, but that would be more of a diagnostic test than a solution. I said that since we weren't sure it was actually going to do any good I'd rather hang on to my organs.

Now I'm wondering yet again what could have caused all this, and yet again I come back to "what if I damaged/tweaked/pinched my vagus nerve?" I keep remembering that fateful day in theater class where I was moving in twisty feel-the-space-around-you ways, like you do in theater class, and I suddenly got a searing pain in the middle of my chest that left my eyes welling and me gasping. It was gone in probably less than a minute (of course to me it felt much longer) and I didn't think any more about it, but within a week I started to have reflux problems. That coupled with the test results, or lack of results, I've been getting makes it make more sense every time. Reflux, then poor esophageal motility, then a half functioning Gallbladder- all of those things as far as I can tell are controlled by the vagus nerve and the fact that all of them aren't functioning well, but also don't have anything specific wrong with them seems like strong evidence to me. But at least so far there isn't a conclusive test for vagus nerve functioning and no way to reverse it even if it was conclusively proven to be the cause of my discomfort. But the why really doesn't matter. I have had a perspective change.

This poor body of mine is like a tatty old footstool with the stuffing leaking out, patches that clash, and springs sticking out the top. In other words it needs some serious TLC, and that's exactly what it's going to get. Before I would sew on patches willy nilly, poke the stuffing back in the holes, put duct tape over the springs, and pretend that it was all fine while looking at other footstools online and dreaming that I had them instead. But this is the footstool that was issued to me and I can't trade it in and maybe in time I won't want to. It's got a good frame, and some of the patches don't look so bad, and there's no rule that says I can replace the springs and reupholster the rest. It's time I stop kicking this hated thing that I've shoved in the corner, ashamed that people might see what a mess I've made of it. It's time to pull it out and start working, in the garage at first keeping my treasure safe from the judging eyes of those that don't see it's potential, then gradually sharing it until it sits in the pride of place and it's elegance commented on by all who visit.

Thank for bearing with my rambling and extended furniture metaphor. I know I will look back on this post and think it was so cheesy, but it needed saying (I'll think that line is cheesy too). But maybe future Caroline will have learned the self love by the time she rereads this to give it an accepting smile that present Caroline has not yet learned how to do in her 20 years on this planet.

Running: Color Me Rad Race Recap

Okay, maybe calling it a race isn't quite right, let's call it a fun run since it was incredibly fun! So Color Me Rad is a 5k run where volunteers cover you with a different color at each kilometer. It's like the Color Run, but actually fits my schedule (I'm in NY for the Portland one, and in Portland for the NY one). Anyway, it was delightful! Weather was perfect (high 60F?) not too hot or cold, many people were in cool costumes, and of course there was color everywhere.

This is the first time I ran with a team and I can definitely recommend it- it's nice to have people to get pumped with.

The team nice and clean before the run

And now nice and colorful

I managed to run much more than I expected. I've been unable to run since march because my Gallbladder has been ornery so I expected to be slogging along the whole way only being able to run a few yards at a time. In reality I ran over half of the way including running most of the steepest hill. Go me! And I was mostly not in pain which was amazing.

Sporting some rad temporary tattoos

I also got to get crafty for this run. They suggest you have a white shirt for the run so you can see all the colors you're covered in. The only white shirt we had in the house (I'm too cheap to go out and buy one) was two sizes too large. Enter scissors to do their magic and as you can see the result is pretty cool. I only recently managed to allow myself to modify any piece of clothing, now I may not be able to stop.

The splatters of victory

Race/organized run number three completed. Next up is the Electric Run in July.

Home for the summer

Well I'm home for the summer and still processing, or not processing, the past year. So much has happened I'm completely overwhelmed every time I try to think about it. All that really comes to mind is this empty panicky feeling of having way to much to do, no time to do it in, and no idea what was coming next. Hopefully at least the last one will disappear next year.

Speaking of next year here are some pictures of where I'll be living next year with 14 other wonderful girls. It definitely beats living in the dorms and better yet I'll be able to cook for myself! Sure, that will take more of the time I don't have, but at least I'll be in control of what I'm eating and by extention my health. I will also have a living room which hopefully will make homework easier next year since I prefer to do my homework on couches rather than desks.

The outside of the house

A terrible picture of the bunny that lives in the house who was admittedly a major selling point

The dining room

The kitchen!!!

The FULL spice cabinet in the kitchen

My room next year

Details of my room next year

The walk in closet with a sense of humor

The view which is what sold me on this room

I was reading an article the other day about happiness and how mostly it stems from control. If you feel like you're in control for the most part you're happier. That let me to thinking about how out of control, or at least my control, my life felt last year. I had school telling me what, where, and when I could eat (that lead to a whole lot of running around and interrupted studying let me tell you! And we won't even talk about the gluten and dairy thing.), school told me what classes to take, and where to live. Then there was my social life- I joined a fraternity my first semester and pledging is all about being told what to do, then this first year I felt like I couldn't say no to anything because I didn't know if I would ever be able to do it again or if it was something I would enjoy even if it didn't sound like it. So, essentially I felt I was being told what to do all the time- not much control there. But there is a bright side to all since things should be getting better from now on, I chose where I'm living next year, I'm choosing what I eat, I won't have to be running around quite so much, I'm not pledging anymore and have seen pledging from the side of an active all the way through now so I don't feel obligated to be there for that as much, and hopefully I'm learning to say no. Maybe if I keep repeating all this to myself I'll actually start to trust myself on this.

Next up, a recap of race #3.

The unhappy story of me and food at the moment (not puppy related)

          Okay, I'm going to finally come out and admit it both to you and to myself...I am afraid of food. There I said it. Pity that doesn't automatically make me feel better. What do I mean about being afraid of food? I get anxious every time I think about meal times. Questions race through my head like, will there be food I can eat? Will people get frustrated or exasperated at me because I can eat what their eating? I hate feeling like a burden on others, but I have to ask for accommodation. In short I feel like my health and well being are out of my control every time I need to refuel. As a consequence of this when I do find things I can eat safely I over eat because I don't know if I'll be able to have what's being served at the next meal.
          Let me back track for a moment here since I'm sure many of you are thinking to yourselves, "But Caroline you CAN cook. We know, we've seen the recipes you've posted here." To that I have to remind you that I'm at college and on a meal plan. I don't have the time or money to go food shopping right now and don't have easy access to a fully equipped kitchen.
          However even that situation is too easy for me to handle. No, we have to add yet another complicating factor because when it comes to my digestive system things are never that simple. So what should we add? Humm...I know! Let's add IBS into the equation! great, now we have a list of possible trigger foods or food elements (such as sugar, caffeine, exc.) as long as my arm from which to start guessing which ones apply to me. Now this is more of the Caroline + digestion + food situation we all know and love. (this is sarcasm, incase you had any doubt) So now I have to run the gauntlet of avoiding food intolerances and IBS exacerbating foods all while having no control over what foods are available. Are we having fun yet? So what can I eat? Lettuce? Nope, that is all fiber and with the kind of IBS I have more fiber is not a good thing.
         Now let's add the social aspect which is inescapable at college. Eating and drinking are social things. Food is everywhere. Going out to meals with friends, staying in for meals with friends, parties, meetings, critiques, all of these things are social eating situations and more often than not the food there is something I can't eat. So what am I to do? Not eat? Then I'm sitting around watching other people eat which is very awkward. Or eat and be sick the rest of the day? Or ask for others to go out of their way to accommodate me. Or just not be there if I can avoid it? I honestly don't like any of these options. So I end up getting anxious every time I even think of being in this situation again. And it happens several times a day.
         One other important thing to note is even though the food I'm intolerant to makes me feel awful it still tastes good at the time. My favorite food of all time is pizza, but it's at the top of the "don't eat me" list. Pizza being offered at events is usually an incentive, but I have to run the other way because I don't have the self control to be around it.
         I'm just ranting today not trying to find solutions. But I think talking to a nutritional counselor would be a good next step.