Searching for guidance and ending up with contradictions

I'll be perfectly honest, it's a tough time right now. I'm heading into finals (my final finals, eep!), I'm hitting the first year anniversaries of accepting some things that left me feeling extremely vulnerable, and my usual emotional highs and lows are being amplified by a combination of sugar, hormones, and feeling vulnerable all over again. All in all, ugh.

What does one do when one feels lost, vulnerable, and stressed? Look for guidance, or at least that's what I do. And it turns out I don't think I was looking in the right place. In the past six months or so spiritual faith has done a lot to allow me to liberate myself from some very challenging realities and so this time when I felt I was struggling I went looking for the stories of other spiritual women who seem to have it figured out. Well, the blogs I found that were run by women fitting that description are leading lives that I do not currently share and have value I don't think I'll ever chose to share. But I spent a few days stressing over trying to mimic them and wondering why I felt more confused and depressed than ever. Then I finally realized the discrepancy, a fish trying to live like a bird just isn't going to work. Some things might end up overlapping like the whole drinking water and eating worms thing, but that's as far as it goes.

Don't worry I can hear you thinking at me telling me to stop being critic and just be gutsy enough to say things that I believe and not worry about trying seem like a perfect saint to everyone. (If you really are under that misconception may I refer you back to paragraph one.) So who are the birds to my fish, or vice versa? Women who were more fundamentalist christian that I care to be. *I will insert a disclaimer here saying that I have absolutely no problem with anyones beliefs or lifestyles so long as they are not hurting themselves or others.* Now that that disclaimer is out of the way I will go on to say that many of the blogs I read came from women who were stay at home Moms with multiple children in stable and happy marriages. I have no problem with any of those things, but as a 20-something, happily single, pre-professional who is looking at living abroad for a few months in the near future there is kind of a disconnect in our worlds. If I try to imitate the actions that seem to make them happy then I am really not living my own life.

I'll go down the list, because I'm really curious to examine the differences for myself, but again this is just for myself and my current reality, not a judgement on others.

Homemaking- I love cleanliness, keeping potentially harmful products out of my life, and the ingenuity that goes into homemaking. However, I currently don't have what I consider to be a long enough lasting home that it's worth putting any making effort into. I have the place I live at school which I adore, but also share with 13 other girls and will be moving out of in a month. I have the house I grew up in that houses my Mom and brother much more often than it does me. And I'm likely to bounce through a series of apartments in the next few years as a find a place and job that suit me. None of those are really conducive to long term home commitments.

Modesty/femininity- This is a complicated one for me. Part of me believes that if you are proud of your body then by all means show it off however you like! But I have had a tendency in the past to dress conservatively for the wrong reason, namely to ward of sexual harassment or potential violence. That sounds like a very sensible idea so why to I say it's the wrong reason? Because for myself at least dressing that way gives both a false sense of security (common sense, vigilance, and listing to your gut work a whole lot better) and make me feel more frightened and vulnerable because I'm only doing it because of a lack of confidence in my ability to do any of the above and in others to be decent human beings. At the root of it that lack of confidence in self and others is what ends up hurting my psyche the most. *Again, disclaimer- Do take all steps you feel necessary to protect yourself from all forms of harm and take all internal alarm bells seriously and take appropriate action.* I don't know if I've expressed my thinking on the matter well here so I'll sum it up by saying my philosophy is that clothes should make you feel good, feel confident, and allow you to do whatever you would like to do. How much fabric is necessary to accomplish those goals in entirely up to each individual.

I'm sure there were more and if I remember them I'll come back and revisit them in another post, but at the moment I have two papers waiting to be written.

In Gratitude

... for knitting in the sun watching I Love Lucy with my housemate Alex.

... for exploring Ithaca a bit.

... for signs of spring.

... for only having to share the kitchen with one person rather than thirteen.

... for flowers blooming outdoors!

... for spring break.

... for very happy tulips.

... for the time to visit my chiropractor more often this past week.

... for learning how to make gnocchi!

... for cooking with others.

... for fancy looking soup.

... for abundance.

... for flowing water.

... for small fuzzy animals.

... for love big and small.

... for all the recipes from Alex's family.

... for learning to make pasta and ravioli.

... for the ability to give.

... for free paintings.

... for planning for the future.

... for parks that spring up out of nowhere.

... for self refection.

... for my favorite bridge in profile.

... for revisiting old places.

... for recognition.

... for discomfort that recognition brings.

... for things that make me laugh.

... for trying to work ahead.

... for creative uses of cardboard.

... for routines.

... for fellow chocoholics.

... for holy week celebrations.

... for lazy breakfasts.

... for gratitude.

In Gratitude

...for smiling faces.

...for birdsong.

...for glimpses of spring.

...for unique pottery that makes my morning granola that much better.

...for seeing the sun! (it never gets old)

...for shrinking snow banks.

...for the return of grass.

...for too many sweets.

 ...for cool buildings that mix new and old.

...for the belief that I can do too many things at once.

 ...for big ideas.

...for failure just being another word for opportunity.

...for silliness.

...for my studio mates and all their creative ideas.

 ...for having to question whether I'm in college or kindergarten.

...for rest after long days.

 ...for post prelim pancakes.

...for shoulders to cry on.

...for the thawing of the waterfall.

...for building new friendships.

...for dinner out with great people.

 ...for pizza.

...for impromptu evening tours of campus buildings.

...for movie nights.

...for meeting my friend's project...a robot named baxter.

...for hours long discussions about space and it's exploration.

...for homemade gnocchi.

...for delight.

 ...for generous friends who make meetings more delicious.

...for growth.

In gratitude

…for friends.

…for knitting.

… for colors.

…for coffee.

 … for homework help and ice cream.

…for the particles that make up everything, but still seems to be incomprehensible.

 …for breaking things.

…for impromptu construction lessons.

 …for post prelim baking.

…for time off.

 …for flowers.

…for warm light.

 …for beautiful veggies.

…for time to cook.

 …for watching movies and making hot fudge.

…for going out in -4 degrees F. to get ice cream for the hot fudge.

 …for funky knitting projects.

…for knitting as homework.

 …for melting ice.

…for the the science and art inherent in art.

 …for surprise notes left on the bathroom mirror.

…for such caring housemates that any one of them could've writing these notes.

 …for my first voluntary walk in 6 weeks.

…for above freezing temperatures.

 …for whimsy.

…for inside jokes.

 …for forced bulbs.

…for sharing.

 …for sunsets.

…for nice architecture.

 …for being able to feed my housemates pound cake.

…for snippets of domesticity.

 …for interesting book finds.

…for chances to enter the mysterious realm of the city planners.

 …for Lemmy in snow.

…for laughter.

 …for Mocha Bean in snow.

…for non-absorbant floors.

 …for awkward bunny faces.

…for Netfix.

 …for public murals.

…for breaking out of my routine.

 …for opportunities.

…for new ideas.

 …for sunflowers!

…for sun.

 …for half-birthdays as an excuse for cake.

…for love and encouragement.